Maybe there was a time when your heart used to race at the thought of being around your husband. His great qualities were gleaming like glitter in front of your eyes. Your relationship together seemed promising, new, and exciting. Fast forward a few years later and things have quickly changed. Times together are sometimes tense and hardly fulfilling. How many times do you have to tell him to do (insert: any house chore) again? Is he still acting (insert: any negative behavior) after you’ve told him over and over that you don’t like him being that way? Why can’t he just be like (insert: someone else’s name)?
You might even feel burnt out after trying so hard to ‘communicate’ your needs, only for your comments to seem unheard and evaporate back into the lonely universe. This type of reaction caused the goodwill that you once felt towards your husband to run on empty, hoping for a moment when he would recognize your upset and see the need for a relationship refill.
The great news is that you don’t have to wait around for him to wake up. Feeling down about your circumstances all boils down to your perspective and your attitude – how you interpret the events occurring in your marriage. If the ball is in your court, then this means that you have a lot of power in your hands to make a difference, especially with what’s happening inside your heart and head, which is where emotional pain stems. Try these tips to jump start your marriage:
Keep Score of Pluses, Not Minuses
It is a common tendency for humans to focus on what’s going wrong instead of what’s going right, but it’s counterproductive in a long-term relationship. No one is perfect, not you, and as you now realize, not your husband. That doesn’t mean that things cannot work out for the best inshaAllah. Relationship experts who have done extensive studies on happy couples discovered that happy spouses keep tabs on the good that their spouse is doing, not the bad. This keeps the motor running because a positive atmosphere prevails in the relationship and this in turn encourages each partner to maintain a positive outlook on the marriage. When you stack up on tracking all the great things that your husband is doing for you, the minuses don’t seem as torturous, and maybe some of the minuses become pluses once you find the good in them too. Constantly nitpicking his bad traits blinds you from the blessings raining down in your life, and it can also be an act of ingratitude towards Allah for what He gave you. It may help to keep a private journal of when your husband scores with you and review it weekly to help you remember the pros.
Stop Comparing Him To Mr. Right
The man that you were meant to be with is already with you. Don’t waste your time daydreaming about who he could be. He is who he is, and the sooner that you accept the entire package, the quicker you’ll dispatch your heartache elsewhere. Sometimes women express their disappointment in our sessions, how they wish that their husbands matched up to the capabilities of other males in their lives. You may think that this would improve your marriage, but Allah gifted you with your husband for a reason. If the all-Wise and all-Knowing chose him for you, then I think it’s about time for you to admit that he is Mr. Right inshaAllah. Also, your husband doesn’t have to live up to anybody’s standards in this world. As long as he’s someone who Allah loves, then he’s a winner no matter what.
Relive the Good Times
Happy couples remind each other about the happy experiences that they shared together. The result of going down memory lane is that it can produce the same emotions in the mind that were first felt when the event actually occurred. Choose moments that BOTH of you felt were enjoyable and pleasantly bring them up every now and then. You can even try this on your own and see how great it works. Close your eyes and envision the happiest moment that you’ve ever had with your husband. Reminisce for a minute with a peaceful smile.
Make Allah Your Aim
Often enough women who habitually focus on the negative become sidetracked from the real purpose of life. The true purpose of our existence is to live in a way that is pleasing to Allah Most High, which is what will ultimately lead us to peace and success in this world and the Next. Shift your attention away from your husband and back to your Lord. Get out of that muddy mental terrain. Switch gears, reverse, and steer your heart back on the right track – a path leading you towards eternal love, a path unto Allah.
May Allah give us all tawfiq.
© Muslima Coaching, 2016.